When I start thinking about the term ‘tough conversations’, it brings to mind the movie  ‘Iron Lady’ with visions of Meryl Streep playing a very committed Margaret Thatcher taking stances on trade unions and driving through  violent riots. On reflection, I wonder if this is because the movie is so memorable, or because we’ve become programmed to expect a fight when we think of having ‘tough conversations’ in the workplace.

Is this programming what prevents us from being able to have effective and positive tough conversations at work? Is it the images of riots, arguments and weeks, months or even years of potential conflict, running around in our complex minds that prevent us from doing and saying the things required to engage in an effective tough conversation… or indeed prevents us from having the conversation at all?

It’s fair to say that every single person has had to, will have to, or should have to have a tough conversation at work:  giving someone feedback about poor performance or attitude, discussing  differing opinions on the execution of projects, informing someone they are redundant or have not passed probation, handing in a resignation, dealing with bullying in the workplace, confronting a colleague who is behaving inappropriately or who has upset you, managing conflict between team members… the list goes on and on. It’s also fair to say that some of us, particularly those in management, have had to have more of these tough conversations than others.

I am one of those unfortunate individuals that seems to have had to have more of these conversations than most. In fact, having worked in numerous organisations obsessed with delivering high quality outcomes on time and on budget, I’d challenge any person to rival the amount of ‘tough’ conversations I’ve had to have. This doesn’t necessarily make me good at it, in fact it’s fair to say that when I first started having tough conversations  I was abominable at it, and it felt  (at times) like I had created carnage for weeks to come (or at the very least did more harm than good).

One story that comes to mind is when I first became a manager some time ago.   I had taken on a new staff member, who was highly experienced, had delivered an impressive interview but quickly became known to be somewhat of a ‘loose cannon’ in the organisation. The role revolved around compliance based training, but rather than train what was written in the manual, they chose to teach what they ‘thought’ was the best way to do things.  To cut a long story short, I was nervous about giving a more experienced person feedback so tried to make the conversation go as fast as I could and in the process blurted out all the things that were ‘not company standard’ and then  closed the conversation.  The reaction involved screaming in the middle of a very public venue, threats of bullying and the smashing of a mobile phone (thankfully theirs, not mine!).   If that doesn’t come close to the corporate version of rioting, I’m not sure what does. If only I could turn back time and have that conversation again.

Thankfully over many years of practice I’ve managed to avoid similar outcomes by applying what I’ve distilled from years of mistakes and successes. By creating a set of rules that generally (and I put this with a caveat – an assumption that the conversation is with someone sober, reasonable and sound of mind), ensures whatever the tough conversation is about, whilst still uncomfortable, will produce an effective and carnage free outcome that believe it or not, every now and then, ends in a thanks for being supportive and honest.  I thought I’d share them:

Be very clear on your intention before going into the conversation – if you’re not clear about the intention, then you’re not ready to have the conversation. If you have a clear goal or intention in mind, then you are likely to achieve the outcome required.

• Support the person not the problem – if you are emotional about the person hold off having the conversation until you have an objective head space. If a person feels you care about their well being, it is easier to discuss the problem openly as they will feel safe opening up to you. However, no matter how emotional the other party is, the problem stills needs to be addressed.

• Keep the other person front of mind – if you ‘bring your own baggage’ to the conversation, you can become nervous and behave in a manner that is not authentic or helpful to the conversation.  Just like in public speaking, if you stay focused on the other person, you will be more responsive to their state and can remain present in the conversation.  This will help you avoid regrettable behaviour or words and stop you becoming part of the problem.

• Stick to key themes – know what the key themes of the conversation are going to be. If the conversation moves away from the key themes, bring the other party back to the agenda.  This will help prevent the person from denying or deflecting the real issue and ensures the key message is clear. You can always set another time to meet about other areas of discussion if they have more to raise.

• Work with the facts, they can’t be disputed.  Know exactly what can be discussed and what can’t be – be honest about it upfront.

• Don’t be afraid to ‘time out’ a conversation if the person becomes emotional i.e. crying, lack of function due to shock, complete denial… My recommendation is to move into supportive mode and ensure the person feels safe.  Where necessary, postpone the meeting until all parties have had time to digest the situation. (This doesn’t mean stop the conversation altogether.)

• Don’t put yourself in a situation where you feel personally threatened. If the person is highly aggressive, and you are unable to calm the situation, suggest postponing the conversation because you feel unsafe in the conversation. Set another meeting to allow parties to calm down and suggest a third party be involved to mediate the conversation.

• Try to gain all perspectives of the issue – remember,  you may go into a conversation not knowing all of the facts. Be open to understanding the issue better. A colleague of mine has given this approach the term ‘Naïve Questioning’, which is asking a question in such a way that no-one feels threatened and open to answering honestly. Opening a tough conversation with ‘How do you think things are going?’ is sure to put prickles on the other persons neck – it’s unauthentic and the other party is more than likely going to close up due to mistrust. If all facts are on the table for both parties, the conversation is likely to end in resolution.

• Know your ‘give-aways’ – we all have them! Those physical and vocal habits we have that give away our emotions or tell the person that what we are saying is not necessarily how we feel. If you are unaware of them, ask a friend to help you practice the conversation and get feedback. Awareness is the first step to change.

Sometimes, regardless of your preparation, positive intent and the care with which you approach the other person, a tough conversation just doesn’t go as well as it could have. The most important thing to do is find ways of not letting it affect you physically or mentally. Not all people want to be reasonable, honest or find resolution and that’s ok, we know these people exist… and if they didn’t exist neither would war.   You need to be able to separate yourself from the problem and the reaction.   For me, it’s about reminding myself that anyone trying to cause harm to others must be very unhappy with themselves… in other words, I turn my frustration into sympathy. Others have told me that a good red also helps! Whatever it is… find your ‘back on track’ solution and use it, because if you don’t, you risk taking this experience into your next tough conversation, and producing another ‘less than best’ outcome.

Some of you may be thinking  ‘this all sounds easier said than done’, so my final piece of advice is don’t avoid any opportunity to practice. Having a courageous conversation before it becomes a ‘tough one’ makes it easier for everyone.